No matter what those in authority might say about me, I’m not anti-authoritarian. I’m not opposed to structure and rules. But really, some rules are just plain bad. Some rules are so burdensome that no one, particularly innocent outsiders, should be held accountable to meet their stringent requirements. These are rules that cry out to be trodden underfoot; evil taskmasters who maliciously impose impossible standards in order to mock us and gloat at our futile attempts to conform.
Of course, rebellion is always an option when confronted with such tyrannical rules, and I was quite surprised and somewhat disappointed by the fact that the entire Wilo tribe had not yet risen up in protest, with one voice demanding fair and equitable treatment in regard to one particular rule that greatly troubled me as I went about learning the Wilo language.
This rule of which I speak was of such pervasive and perverse character that indeed I was often rendered speechless. Surely the Wilos themselves felt the same oppression and heavy burden placed upon them by this merciless rule.
But no. As I looked around me, it became evident the Wilos were, by some miracle, oblivious to the absurdity of the demands of this rule. They seemed perfectly content to allow this draconian structure to hold sway over something extremely vital to their culture: namely their speech.
The rule to which I refer is the one that dictates how to go about pluralizing nouns. Freedom of speech, in my mind, is the freedom to simply tack the letter “s” onto the end of a noun to pluralize it. I’m even willing to live with a few exceptions to the rule.
The Wilos enjoyed no such freedom. When it came to pluralizing nouns, they were all held under the bondage of a grammatical rule so fiendish and terrible that, given the chance, even the United Nations might unanimously vote to sanction it.
“So, what’s the big deal? How hard can the silly rule be?” you might mock.
Allow me to explain. First, let us consider how the Wilo language goes about pluralizing animate objects (things that are living). The key to knowing how to pluralize animate nouns is to focus on the length of the word and the letter it ends with in its singular form.
For instance, if you wish to pluralize a word that is only one syllable long and ends with the letter a (with the exception of words ending with iya, uwa, or uya), or if it is a two-syllable word that ends in e, the entire word must take on a nasal quality and the final letter must be changed to the letter o.
But if the word is one or two syllables long and ends in o or u or i (with the exception of words ending with lo, wo, and yu), or, if it is a three-syllable word ending in e, the entire word must take on a nasal quality and the final letter must be changed to the letters do.
On the other hand, if the word happens to end with the vowel combination iya, the only change that has to be made to pluralize the word is to replace the final two letters with the single letter o.
When the word ends with uwa or uya, the final syllable is deleted and a nasal quality is added to the remainder of the word. When the word ends with lo or wo or yu, pluralization is achieved by adding a nasal quality to the whole word. When the word ends with bo and is pronounced with a nasal quality, and isn’t a two-syllable word, the final syllable is replaced with edo. When the word ends in so and is pronounced with a nasal quality, the final syllable is deleted.
By now most of the ambassadors at the United Nations would be asking for a recess and a strong drink. But you and I know that we’ve only mentioned those rules that apply to animate objects. Let’s move on to another category, shall we? Let’s look at how to pluralize inanimate objects, things such as trees, rocks, and houses. It’s much more straightforward.
For inanimate objects, if you wish to pluralize a word that ends with the letter a, you replace that letter a with the letters iya. If, on the other hand you want to pluralize a word that ends with the letter o, you must replace that letter o with the letters ihu. To pluralize any other inanimate nouns, you simply add the letters biya to the end of the word.
And that pretty much sums it up, except to say that, similar to English, there will be a few exceptions to the rules.
I hope you agree that a rule such as this should be universally condemned. The Wilos, sadly, seemed perfectly content to live with the brutal demands this rule placed upon them. Everybody from children playing at the river to gray-haired senior citizens socializing under the shade of a tree seemed to have no problem adhering to it.
If Pat Sajak and Vanna White ever take their game show Wheel of Fortune to the jungle village of Pakali, I know what letter I’ll ask for. “Yes, Pat, you heard right,” I will say. “I don’t care what it costs. I’d like to buy an ‘s’.”
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