The occasional visitor to my house in the village was likely to be surprised to find that I shared my residence with certain other life forms. It was a big house, with plenty of room, so why not? I tried to be hospitable that way.
But I was careful to not let just any ol’ body set up house. It wasn’t on a first-come-first-served basis. No, sirreee. I was selective. In spite of the societal pressure to be politically correct, I discriminated in regard to whom I allowed the opportunity to share my space. This discrimination was based primarily on appearance and lifestyle.
Perhaps that was crass of me, insensitive and all that. But well, it was my house, thank you very much. Besides, as I have mentioned, I was not indiscriminate in my discrimination. Not at all. I employed a very practical and completely objective standard to underpin my discriminatory policies. I used something that was established long, long ago: namely the food-chain principles.
In my estimation, it is incumbent upon everybody to give close attention to food-chain principles. I’m not referring to food chains such as MacDonald’s or Wendy’s, although those food chains should always be on the radar as well. The food chain I am referring to is the one that relates to the hierarchy of the animal kingdom, namely who eats whom, and who inflicts harm upon whom.
I found that taking these two issues into account helped me avoid unnecessary pain and hardship. Furthermore, when combined with measurements taken using the grossness scale, these food-chain principles provided an effective guide to life forms with which one can successfully co-habit.
Take the cockroach, for instance. Take it very far away. Could there be a lower, more disgusting life form on earth? I think not. All they ever did all day was nibble my food on the sly and commit hygienic indiscretions randomly and prolifically throughout the house. When I evaluated their resident status based on the food-chain principles, I asked myself, “Would I be in danger of being consumed by a cockroach?”
No. That was a point in favor of the cockroaches. Then I asked, “Would a cockroach inflict harm upon me?”
Again the answer was, no. That was another point in their favor. Unfortunately for the cockroaches, there remained one more daunting test. How would they measure on the grossness scale? Would they score low enough – it’s a good thing to score low on this particular test – to qualify for co-habitation privileges?
When I tabulated their test results, I found that their scores on the grossness scale were through the roof. What this meant was that the cockroaches necessarily fell victim to the grossness rule. In spite of their benign status on the food chain, they were definitely lifeforma non grata.
Next to be evaluated were the spiders. If the spiders in question had the disturbing physical appearance of being on steroids – big, husky, and aggressive – they definitely got the boot, or the sandal, depending on which happened to be closer to hand. Although these spiders wouldn’t eat me, they would likely inflict harm upon me, given half a reason and a reasonable chance.
On the other hand, the skinny brown spiders, those with the long gangly legs, were proffered shelter and the opportunity to unobtrusively weave their webs and hang around inside. After all, not only were they harmless to me, but they were also willing to earn their keep by eating insects that illegally immigrated into the house.
If there were an animal to rival the cockroach in grossness, it would have to be the bat. Most of the bats that attempted to hang out in my house were of the relatively harmless type, but I didn’t want any of their evil-intentioned, blood-sucking relatives to be sneaking in under the radar, so to speak. For that reason, all bats were declared lifeforma non grata. Besides, how many other life forms have convinced us humans to come up with a special name for their own specific, well, guano? Not too many. I think that’s concession enough for them.
Then there were the little lizards. Not only were they willing to hunt down and eat all sorts of lifeforma non grata, they were even considerate enough to occasionally change their colors in order to unobtrusively blend into their surroundings, thus maintaining a pleasantly low profile. They were allowed to stay, as long as they were discreet and stayed out of the way.
Anything that was higher than the lizard on the food chain, such as rats and possums and other things that go bump in the night, were not welcome in my house, regardless of the number of cockroaches they might be willing to consume in order to earn their keep. And anything that was equal to or higher than me in the food chain was the ultimate lifeforma non grata. If any such character were to show up in my house, I would act swiftly and decisively. They’d have to eat my dust before sinking their teeth into me.
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